Poker, cannibalism, and why the apes are going to win this hand. : wallstreetbets

I am not a financial advisor and this is not financial advice.

Listen up, apes. I’m about to give an explanation of what I think is going to happen. Even the smoothest of brains should be able to at least somewhat understand it. Now, I know that most of you idiots descend to a near comatose state when you see deep technical anal, or really anything with meaningful content, so let’s just talk about card games.

How do casinos make money on poker? For each hand of poker played, the casino takes a small percentage of the pot, which is called the rake. The casino provides the establishment and the dealers, the players play, and the casino takes its commission. Okay, great, but what the fuck does this have to do with GME? We’re getting there. Hang on. The edging is real, but you’ll get your payoff.

So the casino takes its cut from each pot. The more money in the pot, the more money the casino makes. Great. How do they maximize profits? Well, they can bring in more players, get players to play longer, deal more hands per hour, and/or increase the average size of the pots. I’m not going to answer how they accomplish most of these, because it doesn’t matter. What matters is that the casinos are incentivized to do these things in order to increase their gains. The point here is that you don’t need to understand poker to understand how the casino makes money, you just need to understand their business model.

Let’s focus on how to increase the average size of the pots. There are tons of ways to do this, but let’s assume that instead of being in a giant casino, you’re at a local back-alley gambling spot. Their operation isn’t super sophisticated. They just install a few of their cronys into each game. Each idiot has roughly the same set of goals: bring people in, loosen up the tables, and create big pots. As long as the gangsters don’t put too much money on the table (and lose it), the house will profit.

There’s one key point here that I haven’t mentioned yet. No one can know that the game is crooked or else they wouldn’t play and the house wouldn’t make money, right? Well, that’s not entirely true. In fact, it’s not at all true. Then why the fuck did I mention it? Well, you tell me, why the fuck would you play a rigged game?

Even if the game is rigged and the players know that it’s a sham, if it’s the best opportunity for people to expand their wealth, they will still play. Not all of them, but a lot of them. In fact, it’s even a good thing for the house when “dumb money” make money; this brings them back and maybe even brings in some of their friends. They just aren’t allowed to make too much too consistently.

The house wants you to play. The house wants your friends to play. The house wants everyone to play. So how do you make sure that as many people as possible play? Did you fucking read the last paragraph? It’s simple: you make it the best way for anyone to make money. You essentially force them to play. Don’t get lost in the details. It doesn’t matter how this is accomplished. They can lick you, suck you, fuck you, beat you, squeeze you, whack the other competition off, etc. All that matters is that whatever game they run, it is the best way for you to try to make it out of wage slavery.

So what happens when players make too much money? I don’t know, what happens when there’s a bug in your favorite game’s code? What happens when the sheep start misbehaving? A short sighted boss may blame the players or the bug or the sheep, but the astute mobster knows that their fucking minions are to blame. Again, the game is rigged, and the minions have one fucking job: follow the script and don’t get too greedy. Any problem, and I mean any problem, is easy to ignore so long as the right wheels are greased and it’s not loud enough to annoy the whole fucking neighborhood.

Reddit is an enormous echo chamber. Shit gets loud in here, but as much as your tiny minds focus on GME, most of the world does not give a flying fuck and even if this news gets big, they’re not going to care. They’re too tired and poor to focus on some group of retarded apes hitting the lottery.

So what the hell am I actually saying about GME? The apes and their ancestors discovered a loophole in the financial system that was being abused, but this time the minions went too far and the apes realized that they finally have the winning hand. There’s going to be a song and dance and threats and probably some suicides and even some “Epsteins,” but as long as the apes don’t fold, the apes win this round. If the mobsters play this game right, they’ll fold this hand, take their losses, and (as usual) end up winning in the long run. They just have to patch the system a bit and wait for people to forget some stuff. This is EZ mode.

Do you know what happens in the mafia when a handful of its members threatens the entire fucking money making machine? It doesn’t matter if you’re a friend of the family, a bigly minion, or even the fucking godfather. You live by the sword, you die by the sword. When you have an infected limb, you first try to treat it, but if that doesn’t work, you cut that shit off. These people are fucking cannibals and they don’t mind eating their own–I’m sure that some of them even prefer it. The shorters are going to get thrown into the meat grinder, and the cannibals are going to feast.

TL;DR Read the fucking post. It took me way longer to write than it will take (most of) you to read it.

Here’s some ???? ???? ???? ???? ???? ???? ???????? ???? ???? ???? ???? ???? since half of you autists need these to get off.

Edit: Some of you are taking the poker analogy too literally. It’s an oversimplification, in several ways, but the core argument still HODLs. Apes will win, some mobsters will get swallowed up.

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